I have been wanting to write this post everyday since last week Tuesday the 12th of August when my gorgeous baby boy turned one, but finding the right words to describe the emotions I was feeling seemed impossible and too big a task and I just didn’t have the guts to even try. But this blog is about things I love so how could I not post about this very special day.
It’s been a week filled with so many highs. Having your baby turn one is a BIG BIG deal.
Tuesday night after a day of opening gifts, going to the beach, eating an ice cream, going to the doctor, many kisses and lots of giggles I fell into bed exhausted, yet I did not want to close my eyes because then the day would be over. I wanted Ben’s first birthday to last as long as possible. For how many times to you get to celebrate your first baby turning ONE. I carefully played the day out in my mind. I grabbed my phone and scrolled through all the photo’s of the day. And then suddenly it dawned on me that a year ago at that very moment I was lying in a hospital bed praying for pain killers, disappointed that my birth plan did not go the way I wanted and too emotionally overwhelmed to fully understand what just happened. Even now a year later I still don’t think I’ve fully processed it all. I went through the most scary 30 + minutes of my life dressed in an awkward hospital gown in a sterile room not being able to feel anything from the waist down and came out the other end a mom.
Looking at Ben now I cannot believe there was a time I sat infront of his cot in the middle of the cold wintery night crying thinking “We made a mistake. We’re not ready for a baby. What do I do now” But I know that if I could go back in time I would not change a thing. I love this little person so so much. It is a love I just cannot put in to word. Its just too big. Yes being a mom is filled with frustrating moments and very little sleep. I don’t even know what having ‘me time’ means anymore. My skin and weight has suffered under limited care and some days I feel like I have lost a little bit of who I am, but still I would not change a thing. I have fully embraced the sticky peanut butter hands being smeared all over my clothes or the little snot nose nuzzling into my neck. I have fully embraced not having time to put on a full face of make up or trying on outfit after outfit till I find the right one.
I am a mom. And I love it.
I see little newborns now and I cannot think that the busy, walking, dancing, clapping smiley little toddler running around my house unpacking all my cupboards started out that tiny. You will always hear moms say “They grow up so fast. I wish I could just pause time” It is so very true. The year has just flown by and even 10 days into having a One year old boy, I still cannot believe I have a one year old boy.
Happy first birthday dear Ben. It’s been a wild ride. Here’s to many more adventures. You have filled our life’s with purpose and we are so very thankful for you. We love you to the moon and back.