I am currently somewhere between a quarter life crisis and a
midlife crisis. In between happy and depressed. Not depressed enough to go on
medication and not happy enough to caption Instagram pics with ‘living my best life’
time. How quickly it passes us by, how little of it we have. My mom recently
told me I should be more positive about life because these are the best years
of my life. Well that’s exactly it. I KNOW these are the best years of my life
yet I feel like I’m wasting them on a ‘lets just get through this day’
mentality. Wasting them on jobs I
hate. Wasting them at home doing the
same thing over and over again because there’s no money for adventures and exploring. I keep waiting for my life to start when it has
started a long time ago. I’m living my life, this is it
miserable when I have good health, a family that loves me and the sweetest most
amazing little boy who fills my every day with cheeky grins and giggles. I feel
guilty because if I’m unhappy with my career I should be doing something about
it. I feel guilty because my parents put so much money into my education and I
feel like I’m letting them down when all I want is to make them proud. I feel guilty because I keep bitching and
moaning about a holiday, this while my parents and parents in law both
have amazing beach houses in gorgeous locations that we regularly visit. But my
soul needs the excitement of searching holiday destinations online, booking
accommodation, packing the suitcase and going to bed knowing soon you will be
discovering a new place. I feel guilty for resenting my husband because he couldnt afford to spoil me with fancy jewellery when Ben was born or on my first mothersday like all the other new moms on Instagram, this while he works so hard to pay all our bills every month and make sure we have what we need.
I feel guilty because
I wake up every Monday hoping the week will go by quickly so we can get to the
weekend when I know I should NEVER EVER wish away time.
And then the biggest
one of all: I feel guilty because the most important thing in my life is my
little boy and I only get afternoons and weekends with him. And then
I’m usually too exhausted to give him all of me. I’m just so scared of not having enough time with him.
I am just so scared of someday having a broken heart because I’ve realised I’ve wasted my youth.