So that’s a wrap on my second Mothersday as a mom. We decided to take Ben to the Aquarium for the first time followed by lunch and milkshakes at the Fire and Ice hotel. I’ve been wanting to take Ben to the aquarium for so long and what better day than Mothersday. When we got to the very first tank with all the brightly coloured fish husband quickly ran off to the bathroom and Ben and I had a few minutes alone. As I stood there with my tiny person in my arms watching his face light up as he excitedly pointed at the pretty blue ‘Dory’ fish I suddenly got so emotional. For a minute I could not actually believe I am mom on Mothersday. I could not believe how much I love this tiny perfect person. I was just feeling so thankful and so very lucky.
I have a little confession. The night Ben was born and they showed him to me the first thought that popped into my head was “I can’t decide if he’s pretty or not” I looked at him and it wasn’t a face I recognized. There was no immediate overwhelming bonding feeling. I did not experience that ‘love at first sight’ moment most moms talk about. My head was just so busy processing it all. After all the wait and all the “I wonder what he’ll look like? Will he have your nose and my lips” conversations he was suddenly here right in front of me.
Don’t get me wrong I liked him. I liked him a lot. When I held him in my arms there was wonderment and I had that butterfly’s in tummy feeling. I could not stop looking at him. Was this tiny person really mine. But love? I just didn’t know him well enough yet to be using that word. It was like the first bit of a very promising relationship. You know this could be something amazing, you really really like him but its just too soon to be using the word love.
And so we went home. And we got to know each other a bit better. And I became very attached to this little person. I could stare at him for hours. I wanted to be around him all the time. I missed him when he was sleeping. But love… Was this the huge crazy love everyone was talking about…. I just wasn’t sure… And then I started to stress about it. How will I know if we bonded properly. How will I know when I love him. I was just so stressed.
There was never this huge light bulb moment where I was like “Okay wow, I feel it now. Yes its definitely love”” No, it was something that just happened. I just woke up one morning and the doubt was gone.
Now its difficult for me to remember a time I did not love him. I try to think back to those first few days of struggling to figure out my emotions and doubting my love for him but I cant because it feels like I’ve been loving him forever. I love him so much that sometimes I’m a little scared my heart won’t be able to handle all the love. You will never really truly get the whole ‘I’ll take a bullet for you’ thing until you become a parent. I will take a bullet, a train, a lightning bolt for him. I’ll fight a lion without giving it a second though.
Loving someone that much is a little scary but also so flippin fantastic.
To my most amazing mom: Hope you had the best Mothersday. Thanks for loving me this much. Then to my Ben: Thanks for letting me kiss and hug you about a million times a day. Thanks for all the smiles that make every day so damn special. I am ridiculously excited to be your mom.
Hope you all had the best mothersday!