It all starts when you meet the boy. You go on dates, you fall in love and then get married. You go on Honeymoon, return and move into your first little home together. You have the best time finding the perfect spot for all the wedding gifts and having the best time playing house. You spend weekends in the garden drinking beer and dreaming about the future. You go on long scenic drives, sleep late and binge watch Dexter in bed. You giggle when he calls you ‘wife’ and Instagram your new ID and Passport. Life. Is. Perfect.
But after a year you get restless. Something feels missing. And before you know it you both have this love sick look on your face when looking at babies in the park. You give each other that “I want one” smile and so the talks start. That big life changing talk. Are you ready for a baby? Do you have enough money? Will a pram and car seat fit into your tiny car? If you turn the guestroom into a nursery where will the guests sleep? Will you cope with limited sleep? But then also who needs sleep. So you say ‘Fuck it’ and have the baby anyways because you love each other and you will find a way to make it work.
You always think the decision to have that first baby is the biggest. Well its not. Deciding on when to have your second now that’s when ‘ish’ gets real. Because now you know what the word tired REALLY means. You have worked a full day on 3 hours of sleep and it aint pretty. You know your marriage barely survived those first few months and how little time you had for each other. You know what a trip to the paediatrician cost. You have added up the pharmacy bills. You have calculated exactly how much every poop costs you in diaper bills. Your guest bedroom is already a nursery and on weekends away your car looks like a Taxi heading for the Transkei. You will need a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger wallet. You are now fully aware of what having a child means. There is no more luxury of reckless abandon. You have to be smart about this because when cash is tight it is no longer just you and husband eating marmite toast for a week. You now have a little person to consider and take care off. What is best for that tiny person.
And so you decide the time is not right. You need more money. You need to wait. But then you already know how the new nursery will look. You have narrowed it down to your favourite names. You feel like it will be a girl but a boy would be great too.
You cry when a friend announce her second pregnancy. You are so happy for her but also a little heartbroken. Even though you try not too you instinctively distance yourself from her. Because you want that second baby so badly. You want to say ‘fuck it’ again but you know you have to be smart about this. And so you push it to the back of your mind and focus on your gorgeous two year old. But you know its just a matter of time before your friend starts posting bump pictures and you spend the rest of the day eating your feelings. And this is a problem because these jeans were a perfect fit just a week ago and now they aren’t…