Archive of ‘Pregnancy & Baby’ category

The Ramblings of a sad girl cliche

Remember when we were all like 2016 is the worst year ever and then 2017’s like “Hold my beer”

Retrenchment in February, a few hospital pit stops, a miscarriage after Easter weekend and then Thursday the 11th of May… Voldemort day.

I once read an article that said 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I think this is why I had such a hard time feeling sad. This happens to 1 in 4 pregnant women, I’m not special; I’m not even the worst case scenario. I was only 5 weeks pregnant. It barely counts as a pregnancy.  I don’t deserve to cry because there are women all over the world who had to deal with far worst.  But through reading and talking to friends I’ve come to realise that it doesn’t matter how far along you were, you don’t have to submit your tragedy to a panel who will judge if you qualify to feel sad, you can just be sad. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.

I’ve since spent my fair share of time on the couch feeling sorry for myself. I’ve stuffed my face with comfort food, I’ve cried at diaper ads and I’ve watched way too much Keeping up with the Kardashians. I can actually feel my brain cells dying.  I’m the walking talking sad girl cliché.

Thing is when you are a mom you are only allowed to have a breakdown from 8 – till end of school day, and then you wipe the tears and get shit done.  I love my little boy so much and I know if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be having a gin with my morning coffee. He makes me so incredibly happy, except for the times when he cries for 30 minutes because I won’t give him a green fizzer, or when he has to take a bath, brush his teeth or go to bed…  But still I absolutely adore this age. His imagination, the way he experience things, the little hugs and I love you’s. He’s a proper little person.

Husband and I recently came to the realisation that we’ve been more roommate than partners the last year. Somewhere between a baby, new jobs, money worries and losing a baby we’ve forgotten the things that use to make us great together. Our biggest problem is communication. I tend to bottle up. I am your typical cowboys don’t cry. But husband is a don’t go to bed angry, let’s talk it out kinda person. See where things went wrong.  We recently went on a weekend away to the west coast just the two of us and it did us the world of good. It’s important to remember marriage is a team sport. You don’t have to suffer in silence when there’s someone right there eager to hand you a tissue.

It’s weird living life somewhere between anger, heartbreak and disbelieve. But I do think that we are heading towards the silver lining. They say bad things happen in three’s so I’m done. Right?

I found a quote the other day that said “Sometimes it takes and overwhelming breakdown to have an undeniable breakthrough” I use to roll my eyes at people who post quotes on Social Media. Now I pin quotes on Pinterest till midnight.  It’s actually quite therapeutic. I get why people do it. I currently find myself in the middle of  “The mind replays what the heart can’t delete” and “When life knocks you down stand the fuck up and say you hit like bitch”

Having another baby.

baba

It all starts when you meet the boy. You go on dates, you fall in love and then get married. You go on Honeymoon, return and move into your first little home together. You have the best time finding the perfect spot for all the wedding gifts and having the best time playing house. You spend weekends in the garden drinking beer and dreaming about the future. You go on long scenic drives, sleep late and binge watch Dexter in bed. You giggle when he calls you ‘wife’ and Instagram your new ID and Passport. Life. Is. Perfect.

But after a year you get restless. Something feels missing. And before you know it you both have this love sick look on your face when looking at babies in the park. You give each other that “I want one” smile and so the talks start. That big life changing talk. Are you ready for a baby? Do you have enough money? Will a pram and car seat fit into your tiny car? If you turn the guestroom into a nursery where will the guests sleep? Will you cope with limited sleep? But then also who needs sleep. So you say ‘Fuck it’ and have the baby anyways because you love each other and you will find a way to make it work.

You always think the decision to have that first baby is the biggest. Well its not. Deciding on when to have your second now that’s when ‘ish’ gets real. Because now you know what the word tired REALLY means. You have worked a full day on 3 hours of sleep and it aint pretty. You know your marriage barely survived those first few months and how little time you had for each other. You know what a trip to the paediatrician cost. You have added up the pharmacy bills. You have calculated exactly how much every poop costs you in diaper bills. Your guest bedroom is already a nursery and on weekends away your car looks like a Taxi heading for the Transkei. You will need a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger wallet. You are now fully aware of what having a child means. There is no more luxury of reckless abandon. You have to be smart about this because when cash is tight it is no longer just you and husband eating marmite toast for a week. You now have a little person to consider and take care off. What is best for that tiny person.

And so you decide the time is not right. You need more money. You need to wait. But then you already know how the new nursery will look. You have narrowed it down to your favourite names. You feel like it will be a girl but a boy would be great too.

You cry when a friend announce her second pregnancy. You are so happy for her but also a little heartbroken. Even though you try not too you instinctively distance yourself from her. Because you want that second baby so badly. You want to say ‘fuck it’ again but you know you have to be smart about this. And so you push it to the back of your mind and focus on your gorgeous two year old. But you know its just a matter of time before your friend starts posting bump pictures and you spend the rest of the day eating your feelings. And this is a problem because these jeans were a perfect fit just a week ago and now they aren’t…

Mothersday thoughts

So that’s a wrap on my second Mothersday as a mom. We decided to take Ben to the Aquarium for the first time followed by lunch and milkshakes at the Fire and Ice hotel. I’ve been wanting to take Ben to the aquarium for so long and what better day than Mothersday. When we got to the very first tank with all the brightly coloured fish husband quickly ran off to the bathroom and Ben and I had a few minutes alone. As I stood there with my tiny person in my arms watching his face light up as he excitedly pointed at the pretty blue ‘Dory’ fish I suddenly got so emotional. For a minute I could not actually believe I am mom on Mothersday. I could not believe how much I love this tiny perfect person. I was just feeling so thankful and so very lucky.

I have a little confession. The night Ben was born and they showed him to me the first thought that popped into my head was “I can’t decide if he’s pretty or not” I looked at him and it wasn’t a face I recognized. There was no immediate overwhelming bonding feeling. I did not experience that ‘love at first sight’ moment most moms talk about. My head was just so busy processing it all. After all the wait and all the “I wonder what he’ll look like? Will he have your nose and my lips” conversations he was suddenly here right in front of me.

Don’t get me wrong I liked him. I liked him a lot. When I held him in my arms there was wonderment and I had that butterfly’s in tummy feeling. I could not stop looking at him. Was this tiny person really mine. But love? I just didn’t know him well enough yet to be using that word. It was like the first bit of a very promising relationship. You know this could be something amazing, you really really like him but its just too soon to be using the word love.

And so we went home. And we got to know each other a bit better. And I became very attached to this little person. I could stare at him for hours. I wanted to be around him all the time. I missed him when he was sleeping. But love… Was this the huge crazy love everyone was talking about…. I just wasn’t sure…  And then I started to stress about it. How will I know if we bonded properly. How will I know when I love him. I was just so stressed.

There was never this huge light bulb moment where I was like “Okay wow, I feel it now. Yes its definitely love”” No, it was something that just happened. I just woke up one morning and the doubt was gone.

Now its difficult for me to remember a time I did not love him. I try to think back to those first few days of  struggling to figure out my emotions and doubting my love for him but I cant because it feels like I’ve been loving him forever. I love him so much that sometimes I’m a little scared my heart won’t be able to handle all the love. You will never really truly get the whole ‘I’ll take a bullet for you’ thing until you become a parent. I will take a bullet, a train, a lightning bolt for him. I’ll fight a lion without giving it a second though.

Loving someone that much is a little scary but also so flippin fantastic.

To my most amazing mom: Hope you had the best Mothersday. Thanks for loving me this much. Then to my Ben: Thanks for letting me kiss and hug you about a million times a day. Thanks for all the smiles that make every day so damn special. I am ridiculously excited to be your mom.

Hope you all had the best mothersday!

Big love

I have been wanting to write this post everyday since last week Tuesday the 12th of August when my gorgeous baby boy turned one, but finding the right words to describe the emotions I was feeling seemed impossible and too big a task and I just didn’t have the guts to even try. But this blog is about things I love so how could I not post about  this very special day.

It’s been a week filled with so many highs. Having your baby turn one is a BIG BIG deal.

Tuesday night after a day of opening gifts, going to the beach, eating an ice cream, going to the doctor, many kisses and lots of giggles I fell into bed exhausted, yet I did not want to close my eyes because then the day would be over.  I wanted Ben’s first birthday to last as long as possible. For how many times to you get to celebrate your first baby turning ONE. I carefully played the day out in my mind.  I grabbed my phone and scrolled through all the photo’s of the day. And then suddenly it dawned on me that a year ago at that very moment I was lying in a hospital bed praying for pain killers, disappointed that my birth plan did not go the way I wanted and too emotionally overwhelmed to fully understand what just happened. Even now a year later I still don’t think I’ve fully processed it all. I went through the most scary 30 + minutes of my life dressed in an awkward hospital gown in a sterile room not being able to feel anything from the waist down and came out the other end a mom.

Looking at Ben now I cannot believe there was a time I sat infront of his cot in the middle of the cold wintery night crying thinking “We made a mistake. We’re not ready for a baby. What do I do now” But I know that if I could go back in time I would not change a thing. I love this little person so so much. It is a love I just cannot put in to word. Its just too big. Yes being a mom is filled with frustrating moments and very little sleep.  I don’t even know what having ‘me time’ means anymore. My skin and weight has suffered under limited care and some days I feel like I have lost a little bit of who I am, but still I would not change a thing. I have fully embraced the sticky peanut butter hands being smeared all over my clothes or the little snot nose nuzzling into my neck.  I have fully embraced not having time to put on a full face of make up or trying on outfit after outfit till I find the right one.

I am a mom. And I love it.

Early morning. Opening gifts

I see little newborns now and I cannot think that the busy, walking, dancing, clapping smiley little toddler running around my house unpacking all my cupboards started out that tiny. You will always hear moms say “They grow up so fast. I wish I could just pause time” It is so very true.  The year has just flown by and even 10 days into having a One year old boy, I still cannot believe I have a one year old boy.

Birthday boy at the beach

 

 

Birthday Dinner at Grandpa and Grandma’s

 

Happy first birthday dear Ben. It’s been a wild ride. Here’s to many more adventures. You have filled our life’s with purpose and we are so very thankful for you.  We love you to the moon and back.

We’ll learn as we go

We are part of a VERY small group of parents-to-be who
decided not to attend Pre Natal classes even though we were ideal candidates as
we knew VERY little about babies.  We
decided to give the classes a miss as I
was getting more and more panicky with each baby book I read. I felt SO
overwhelmed by all the info. Husband probably knew my head would explode if I
had to sit in a class while the process of giving birth was explained to me in
full detail. So we ventured into the world of parenting with a ‘we’ll learn as
we go’ attitude.

Roll on to 13 August 2013.

The first morning in hospital as brand new
parents to a gorgeous baby boy we had to attend a demonstration on how to bath
your baby. I sat there deer in headlights trying to take in as much as I
possibly could of what seemed like an impossible task. The next morning we had
to do it ourselves.  I did not sleep at
all that night. I walked the hall to the nursery like someone on death row. A
terrified nervous wreck.  I couldn’t
remember a thing the nurse said the previous day. I filled up the little
baby bath with a sense of dread while they rolled my teeny tiny human over. It
took me forever to undress him as I was petrified of breaking him. It took me
even longer to bath him as I used a new cotton ball on every tiny part of his
body worried about spreading infection. While washing his hair I honestly thought I was going to pass out from
all the anxiety. This very long and very careful bath routine carried on for
about 2 weeks. Now I cannot even believe bath time was such a terrifying
experience as I plop my baby in the bath and wipe everything with the same wash
cloth without even giving it a second thought.

Same goes for changing a
diaper.  I made husband change the first
3 diapers in hospital as I just could not handle that kind of pressure in my
fragile state. Now I change the diaper of a screaming baby trying to crawl off
the changing table while banging the Sterimar bottle on the pretty porcelain
bunny next to the change matt in seconds without even breaking a sweat.

The
moral of the story is that yes being a parent can be scary, there will be
tears, there will be moments of thinking ‘I can’t do this’ but you will adapt,
you will learn, and soon it becomes second nature.  I now laugh at scared new mom me who took
20mins to top and tail her baby. What frightened me so is now my favourite time
of day as I watch my baby splash in the bath and chew on a rubber ducky.

To the moon and back

The day I did the pregnancy test and it was positive I spent a good few hours completely speechless. I was in complete shock and disbelief. Then when I got the message from the doctor later that day confirming that my blood tests did in fact confirm I was pregnant I could not stop smiling. It was true and we were over the moon. And then my thoughts jumped to the nursery. I’ve been excited about decorating a nursery for years. Pinning baby rooms long before the decision was made to try get pregnant.

Luckily I have the most creative mom who can make anything happen.  At around 34 weeks (yes, we left it very late) we finally had a clear idea of what we wanted and we went to work.
The very first purchase was the crib. I wanted something plain, not too bulky. We found the perfect crib with waterproof mattress at the Institute for the Blind’s shop in Worcester. Duvet inner and cover was bought at Mr Price Home.

 

 

Next up was finding the perfect wall colour. The best place to go for paint is Paint and Decor in Stellenbosch. They are any creatives dream. We left with quite a few sample’s but none of them were right.  They were either too blue grey or to beige grey.  We wanted something in between. A soft, warm dove grey. We gave them feedback on the samples, they changed a few things around in the mixing process and voila we got the most gorgeous grey. I am very tempted to paint my whole house this colour.

The rocking chair we bought at a second hand shop and had it covered with a very soft velvety type material. My mom knitted the gorgeous little rug and I just adore it.

 

The blue eared bunny was a gift from my Gynaecologist to celebrate the birth of my baby boy. Just one of the many reasons I love my gynae. He gifts little girl babies with rag dolls and boys with bunnies. They are specially commissioned and made by a special needs school in Stellenbosch. This really is such a great gift.

 

His little closet was also bought at a second hand shop and is actually a very old doctors cabinet. It had this very weird hook in it that husband removed and added steel pipes for hanging clothes.  I painted the outside grey and the inside with black chalk boor paint.

 

 

 

 

The most important area of any nursery is probably the changing table as this is where you will be spending most of your time.  We got a work bench from Builders Warehouse and painted it white. We then had a piece of wood cut to fit the workers bench and covered it in a white fake leather material. Which worked out perfectly cause it’s soft but also easy to clean.

The little canvas paintings above the changing table was another creation by my mom. Like I said, the women can do anything.

 

 

Then came all the pretty bits and bobs that I collected. They come from markets, Woolworths, Typo, Mr Price and even the Crazy store. The little wooden train was my husband’s as a little boy and the elephant soft toy we bought on our honeymoon at the Knysna Elephant sanctuary.

 

 

I just couldn’t find a mobile that I liked. They were all so brightly colored and plastic. At first I wanted to order one from ebay but then when I saw the ‘I love you to the moon and back’ laser cut piece from Doodles I knew I had to create a mobile with it. I painted the laser cut circle a buttery yellow and attached the tiny little dog’s that were actually key chains from Woolworths. I just love the result.

 

It is definitely my favourite room in our house. And as we are moving to a new house end of June I get to create it all over again.