That one time Crossfit nearly killed me.

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I use to be a really active kid and teenager. I did athletics, gymnastics, tumbling, played hockey for a bit, and LOVED Netball. At one stage I even did rock climbing as a sport. After school I was really into cycling, but then when I started with the normal 8 – 5 work day things slowed down. After a few years of sloth like living I got asked to play for a local action Netball team. I totally loved it, until the night I hurt my knee, followed by surgery, followed by 6 weeks of physiotherapy with a trainer that made me beg for mercy.

Then I got married, lived the good life, got pregnant, had a baby, did the always exhausted new mom thing, ate a lot of Kit Kats, exercised very little and BOOM! There I was in Fatsville, corner of None of my clothes fit. It was when my beloved engagement ring became so tight that I couldn’t wear it anymore that I knew something had to be done.

The word CrossFit kept popping up, and even though I use to make fun of the crazies doing CrossFit it did sound like a sure fire way to get my lazy but in shape.  And so I joined up with stars in my eyes and dreams of looking like Gigi Hadid.

My first class was horrendous. I was red faced, short of breath and felt like I was going to die. But the coach was all like RUN OR DIE. The next day I woke up and every muscle in my body hurt. As the day went on it only got worse. At 3pm I was feeling nauseous, light headed and having cold sweats. I was physically ill. I picked Ben up from school at 3:30 drove home slouched over my steering wheel, plopped my kid in front of the TV and collapsed into a hot bath. That night I was passed out in bed at 8pm.

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I totally over exerted my poor body, it was in shock and shutdown mode. I knew that this couldn’t be good for me. I had to pace myself, start slow and work up to my goal. A little bit at a time.  But unfortunately I’ve realised that this is not the Crossfit way. They don’t care that you haven’t exercised for over two years and are basically starting from scratch. It’s no pain, no gain all the way. When I’m tired and taking it easy for a bit so I can catch my breath I see them puffing out their cheeks at me.

Mind over matter. Never quit. GO, GO, GO!

Crossfit really is like a cult. They have inside jokes, spend weekends together at Crossfit games and show up early for class so they can have a little mini rope climbing battle. They time every little thing they do, count every single rep and then continue to discuss it amongst each other. I felt like a complete outsider. Like an imposter, the fat kid who gets picked last. I hated the look of judgement because I missed a class, because to me Crossfit was something I tried to squeeze in between my day job, running my own small business and family life. It wasn’t my main priority, and I got the feeling that to them this was just not cool.

I thought if I just kept going maybe it will get better. There’s probably just a ‘settle in’ phase that I had to survive.  But then my knee started bothering me.  I couldn’t do squats; it hurt to run and eventually got so bad that I couldn’t even get out of the bath without fearing a knee replacement. I then read this article about Crossfit and that was it, the final sign that Crossfit just wasn’t for me.

Last week Friday I joined good old Virgin Active again, and HONEY I’m HOME. I’m definitely more of a disappear in the masses mind my own business kind of exerciser. So getting my Gigi Hadid body may take a bit longer now that I’m back on my own training schedule and not that of a fitness obsessed Crossfit junkie instructor but I’m cool with that.

*Please note this is my personal opinion. Lots of people totally love crossfit and get great results from the high impact exercise. I’m just not one of them*

When your toddler says no to books

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Ben has always been a real active kid. Since he took his first step at just 9 months there has been climbing, jumping, running, motorbike rides, trampoline jumping and the list goes on. Reading on the other hand has never been high on the list of daily activities. He was far more interested in the physical aspect of books. First it was chewing books or ripping pages, then building a book tower and jumping from it or seeing how far he could throw them. When he actually did sit down for story time he would insist on turning the pages long before I’ve even finished a sentence.

I think this lack of book love is partly my fault. We just never incorporated a specific reading time into his daily routine. When he was 3 months old I noticed moms on Twitter talking about reading to their babies. Serious FOMO kicked in and I tried it for a bit but he was just so tiny and uninterested that I decided he is still too young. Then as he got a little older I tried books again but it was just so frustrating to try and get him to sit still and listen to a story that it just raised my heart rate and made me shouty mom.

Now we have reached the point where literally every kid on my timeline belongs to the monthly book club and my kid still has a 2 second attention span when it comes to books. I’m just so stressed that the lack of reading will make him fall behind. He’s already a bit of a hesitant talker so its definitely a touchy subject.

So I’ve been doing a bit of reading on kids who resist books and am relieved to hear I am not alone in this. There are plenty of toddlers who would rather spend 10 minutes trying to throw the book at the ceiling fan rather than sitting down for story time.

Things I’ve picked up from my ‘research’:

  • It’s important to nurture an early love for books (oops) Even if they just get use to holding a book and turning the pages. (now they tell me)
  • Choose bright and colourfull pages and start by just getting them interested in the illustrations – The only book Ben actually does like is “The hungry Caterpillar” so this makes a lot of sense.
  • Read infront of them. Kids usually copy their parents, so if they see you read they will want to follow. – I usually wait till Ben is asleep to read, because who sits and read infront of their kids, but actually it makes so much sense.
  • Create a special little reading corner that your kids love. Make a big fuss about it.
  • Buy books about their favourite TV show or characters, but don’t make the mistake I did. I bought him a ‘CARS’ book that includes tiny little Mater, Mqceen etc cars. He ended up throwing the book to the side and playing with the cars.
  • If your kid refuse to sit still for reading time try keep their hands busy with playdough or colouring in to force them to sit still. I’m currently reading to Ben during bath time when he is relaxed and playing with his boats and it is definitely working.
  • Also rather than forcing your kid to sit still and read, try make the book come to life. When the monkey in the book is dancing put down the book and dance with our kiddy. If the book is about fruit, ask your little to go get an apple from the kitchen and show it to you.
  • Keep on trying. – I now ask Ben regularly if he would like to read a book. Sometimes he says yes and (often) no. If he says no I don’t force it but when he says yes I make a big deal about it and he gets very excited. Also where I use to get stressed out and angry when he jumps up after one page I now see it as a triumph. We read a whole page, yay, high fives, and so in me being more relaxed about it I find him asking for books more often.

The golden rule is always to “Let them find it in their own time”

What happened to the mombod

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Back in the day the words “don’t worry you’re eating for two” basically appeared next to the positive line on the pregnancy test. The gynaecologist seldom uttered the words “you are gaining too much weight” and maternity clothes were empire dresses or loose kaftans. Moms took their time loosing the pregnancy weight and even after still sported a soft tummy and stretch marks.

Fast forward a few years and you’ve got a gynae weighing you with a clipboard and a stopwatch ready to send you around the block if you are too heavy. Maternity clothes are tight and form fitting because the only thing that should be getting bigger is your belly. New mom’s lose the pregnancy weight and have an even better body than they did before the pregnancy within a month. How?

Yummy mummy use to be a compliment but these days its more of a demand.

Don’t get me wrong I’m all for healthy, but…

December holidays I was sitting on the beach with my little fat roll and thigh-gapless thighs in my pretty new one piece thinking it’s okay I’m a mom of a toddler. But then I looked at all the other mom’s around me in their gorgeous bikini’s looking absolutely fabulous. Not a roll or stretch mark in sight. Their hair was freshly highlighted and their teeth whiter than a trophy wife’s Range Rover Evoque. All I kept thinking was can someone please point me to the chubby mom beach.

I mean with a full time job, because everyone keeps telling you that in these times you cant be a one income household so go work woman, I find it almost impossible to even make my 2 Crossfit classes a week happen. Where do you find the energy to survive a day with a head strong toddler on juice and salads alone. Parenting without bread? How do you even?

So sure I’m all for being healthy, but yummy mummy, gosh that’s a big ask.

Favourite Instagram accounts

When it comes to Social Media Instagram is definitely my favourite. If my husband didn’t get so irritated with me I would probably spend all day on it. Here’s a quick list of some favourites.

ZANA – Décor

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Zana is a Cape Town based design business who create the most amazing cushions, linen, tableware and bags. I absolutely love everything they do. The colours, typography and patterns of their products are pure magic. Their attention to detail, packaging, styling and social media presence is what I aim to achieve with my little business. I especially love the little Valentines Instagram posts they are currently doing. So cute.

 

Pajamas & Jam – Food

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I am no foodie but this account is just gorgeous. Fresh ingredients and yummy food perfectly styled. Pajamas & Jam is right here in my neighbourhood in Strand and let me tell you the food is amazing.

 

Reese Witherspoon – Books

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This isn’t on the list because I am the number one Legally Blonde fan (I’m really not) but rather for the amazing book suggestions. Reese is a very successful producer and read a lot of amazing books looking to turn them into movies.  She did an Instagram post On Gone Girl long before the hype started and was the one who secured the movie rights. I also saw Girl on the Train on her feed and other books she posted that’s on my reading list includes:  Luckiest Girl Alive, Big Little Lies and In a dark, dark wood. Follow her hashtag #RWBookClub

 

Kimmy & Bear – Parenting

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This is one of my favourite blog’s and I get so excited when I spot a new Kimmy&Bear pic on my Instagram feed. Bailey is mom to twin girls and always look so relaxed and well put together. If I had twins I’d probably never wash my hair and wander around in yoga pants all day long. Thats probably why the good Lord decided to only give me one at a time.

 

Caylee Grey – Creative

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I’ve been a Caylee fan for a very long time and was lucky enough to help plan her wedding. She is just the most creative, bubbly, fantastically pink & gold loving girl you’ll ever follow. She’s also the one who designed and created my Hello August blog for me. She’s the best.

Back to school problems

Monday is back to school for Ben and I’m so anxious my head might just explode. Sure this isn’t our first time like some of my other mom friends, but Ben will now be in the 2 -3 year old class with a new teacher and a whole new list of ”what to bring to school” requirements. Also only working parents will understand the madness and chaos that happens between 6am – 8am every morning trying to get you and the toddler dressed and out the door in time. I am not looking forward to that at all.

So problem number one on the list is an Art Apron. Sounds easy enough right. Nope! I spent the day driving from store to store without success, sure I did leave this till the very last, but still who would have though an art apron would turn out to be such a unicorn. First place I tried was Mambo’s. They had 2 kinds and I really liked the one but it was made of a really think PVC material and I don’t even want to imagine what it must feel like wearing that during a 39 degree heatwave. The other option was a thinner material but had string around the neck and back and knowing Ben he will never tolerate that string around his neck. It was also and awful bright construction worker bib yellow. Clicks had no idea what I was talking about and Crazy Store’s was so big it would probably be a loose fit for a 4 year old. Toys R Us had a really nice one but also for 3 years and up and at R200 it was a ridiculous option. Is the universal perception that only kids of 3 years and older paint?  So tail between my legs I went back to Mambo’s for the ugly yellow. It will have to do till I can find a better option.

Problem number two on the list is the schools new ‘No hat, no outside play’ rule. A very very good rule to have unless you have a kid who feels about hats the way I feel about Uma Thurman’s acting. Totally hate it.  Since birth he could not stand having anything on his head. I have a bunch of cute knitted owl hats and beanies with ears that was never worn for more than 5 minutes. The only hat he will wear is my Panama hat and only to be funny. Once the joke is over so is the hat. So I’m sending him to school on Monday with a brand new Cotton On hat, how they’ll keep it on his hat is the new teachers problem.

And that brings me to the biggest problem of all. The new teacher. You see Ben adores his previous teacher and even though teachers aren’t suppose to have favourites Ben was definitely Snowy’s favourite. She scratched his back while he drank his bottle at nap time, she often sneaked him an extra cookie and he was permanently glued to her side. When he had an off day and cried in the morning he would immediately stop as soon as she picked him up. She is also the only person who can successfully get him to take antibiotics. I never ever worried about him while at school because I knew he was in loving caring hands. I’m sure the new teacher is lovely and will take good care of him but I just know to Ben she’ll never be Snowy. So yes I expect tears on Monday and I definitely expect to hear that he tried to escape to his old classroom a few times. I spoke to Snowy about this and she said its quite normal for them to walk back to their old classroom but she always walk them right back and eventually they will stop and accept their new normal. I just don’t want Ben to think he has been abandoned by someone he loves, that Snowy no longer wants to spent time with him. I’m probably over thinking this but my poor mom heart is just so sad for my little boy. I’m hoping he’ll prove me wrong and be all cool with the change. You never know with these tiny people.

So good luck to all the moms dropping a tiny one off at school this week. May we all make it to the car before we start to cry.

A quick catch up

You’ve probably heard this quite often from everyone the last couple of weeks but, gosh can you even believe its December already? Where did the year go?

I’ve been counting down the hours to pay day so I can start Christmas shopping. I have a very, very long list this year and even though buying Christmas presents is one of my most favourite things to do I am feeling a tiny bit anxious.

But our tree is up, Ben is busy decorating some Christmas wrapping paper and I catch myself singing Jingle Bells in public places more often than I care to admit. Yes the fact that another year of our lives are over scares the living daylight out of me but I also love, love, love the Holidays so I’m feeling pretty good.

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On Friday it’s the big End of Year Christmas concert at school. Both sets of grandparents will be joining us for the show and we are all extremely excited. They’ve been practising their dance ‘routine’ (a term I use lightly) at school for weeks now. Ben is a little ADD and his teacher told me that he’ll practise for a bit and then wanders off looking for the next big adventure so I’m not too sure how much of the dance ‘routine’ he actually knows, but even if they all just run around the stage like tiny lunatics it will still be the best damn show I’ve ever seen (excited, proud mom over here).

End of year also means it’s his last few weeks in toddler class before moving up to the next age group.  I am feeling quite emotional over this and also quite stressed. Ben adore his teacher Snowy. He follows her around like a little shadow. He gives her hugs and kisses when it’s time to say goodbye in the afternoon. When we are strict with him at home or we force him to do something he doesn’t want to, like nap, he’ll usually call for her. Snowy!! Snowy!! In this sad little voice. I just don’t know how he will cope without her next year. Making him understand that he is no longer in her class is going to be one of the toughest jobs to date. Especially because he will still see her on the playground every day but she will have new kids to look after. Can you hear that? It’s the sound of my heart breaking because growing up is a tough tough job.

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Home

We have now been in our new little house in Strand for 1 year and 3 months. Although we still miss Stellenbosch and estate life we have settled in well and I’ve come to really love our new house. In August they finally built the front wall so our garden is now fully enclosed. It used to be a major stress because we live on quite a busy street and we hardly ever let Ben play in the front garden because he would head straight for the street. Having the wall there and a bit more privacy has made such a huge difference. First off Knox our Golden Retriever was able to return home after staying with my parents for a year. Ben can now play outside without us hovering. The garden was a bit of a mess and quite overgrown so we have spent the last couple of weekends cleaning it out and planting grass. Ben loves it. He plays in the mud. Kick the ball around, chase Knox and love watering the plants. We still have lots to do but its getting there.

Work:

My 5 month temp contract ended in May. It was a really stressful job at a large company and I was quite happy to say goodbye. Temping is cool because you work for a few months and then you get some time off at home, but it also means that I get a steady income for a few months and then nothing. So I really wanted to get a permanent job so we can start planning and budget for things like a new car and baby number 2. But after a few months of looking for the perfect job money got really, really tight and I once again found myself accepting another temporary contract. It’s a shorter contract than usual, I started end October and will finish end February, with a 2 week break during December. It’s a small company (which I prefer) and the job is pretty basic. So no stresses and crying in front of colleagues this time around. It’s also only halfday, I finish at 13:00. Which is perfect because in September I started my own little business and working halfday gives me afternoons to work on that. Yay Kids sell wooden play blocks for kids that are both educational but also pretty enough to be used as room décor. I’ve been getting such positive feedback from everyone since Yay Kids launched end September and we were also included in the YOU magazines Christmas gift guide. Exciting stuff! I have so many plans for the little business but that’s a whole blog post on its own. If you want to have a look at our blocks find us on Facebook here.

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Welcome to the Dennis the Menace phase

When I say the Denise the Menace phase, I’m not saying my kid is a menace. Not at all. He is sweet, and loving and busy and curious and loves to explore and sees everything as a challenge. What I’m saying is that he hardly ever sits still and that in every adventure he sets out to do something will probably go wrong leaving a wake of destruction. So all moms with kids nearing the toddler stage, come closer, listen carefully, take some notes, for here is my little nugget of truth on how to survive the toddler age. Always prepare for the most unimageneble situation you can think of.  If your husband says “what if he does (fill in action)” you never ever answer “Oh no he is too young to figure that out” Toddlers find a way. Nothing is ever impossible for a toddler.

In the last 2 weeks Ben has tried to flush a golf ball down the toilet, spilled bubble bath on the carpet, got stuck in the burglar bars of the living room window and locked himself inside our bedroom. Now before I get stuck into the kid locked in bedroom story can I just say: Have you ever tried to clean bubble bath from a carpet before? The more you scrub and clean the more foam it makes. Our living room was transformed into a 90’s foam party. Except I remember foam parties being a lot more fun.

So getting back to the locked door.  Last week Wednesday we had an especially hectic morning. Getting you and toddler ready for the day when on a tight schedule is just total madness. Husband starts work at 7am so he leaves early. I was running through the house like a mad women when I suddenly smelled the distinct smell of a teething poo diaper. I felt a little teary because the last thing I had time for was a crazy diaper especially with Ben who refuse to lie still for a diaper change. It takes an immence amount of patience. I had none. So we struggled through diaper change, I left him in his nappy in our bedroom while I went to fetch him clothes. When I got back to our room the door was locked. LOCKED!!!! So there I am on the one side and my toddler on the other. Now I am not a sane level headed person when in a tricky situation. I panic immediately. But I knew I had to stay calm because if Ben hears the panic in my voice he will panic too. So I very calmly told him to turn the key to the other side. Over and over and over till I realised it was not going to happen. So second instinct was to phone the husband, he always knows what to do. That’s when I realised my phone was locked in there with him. I am now in a state of full blown panic and very close to crying.  I suddenly remember our neighbour should still be home as he leaves for work around the same time as me. He is also super handy. “One of those guys guys. The kind you send into the woods with a pocket knife and a toothpick and he builds you a shopping mall”. For a second I stood there thinking what I should do about the PJ’s no bra situation I found myself in but time was not on my side so I decided that this would be the morning my sweet neighbour meets the real make up less, bra less me in all my horrid freshed faced glory. Next challenge was finding my house keys that was suddenly not  in any of he usual key spots. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!! I finally find the key and yell “Mommy will be right back” to Ben as I head out the door.

Thank goodness my neighbour was still home. He figured out that Ben didn’t fully twist the key all the way so it was possible to open the door by dismantling the door handle on our side and then jiggling the lock with a screwdriver. We opened the door and there stood by sweet little boy in just a nappy with the biggest smile on his face. It was all just a massive joke and adventure to him. I on the other hand aged about a 100 years. All keys are now firmly out of toddler reach.

Rain Mystery Tour

I was lucky enough to be invited to attend the Rain Mystery Tour with some of my favourites bloggers on Saturday. We all had to meet up at Charly’s Bakery at 8am. Obviously since I had to get up early on a day that is usually a sleep in day Ben had one of the worst nights in a long time and ended up sleeping in our bed. When my alarm went off early on Saturday morning I was definitely not a ray of sunshine. Luckily as we arrived at Charly’s Bakery the lovely Rain ladies were ready with a giant Ou Meul Bakery muffin and coffee. We all had to get on the bus to depart to our mystery destination. Along the way we were given clue’s. I had no idea, not a clue. Luckily we had some very clever girls on the bus that figured it out way sooner than expected.

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Mosaic Private Sanctuary Stanford

Mosaic Lodge in Stanford was kind enough to host us for the day. I completely love Stanford. I keep nagging my parents to retire there so I can visit all the time so I was thrilled when I realised we were heading there.

Mosaic Private Sanctuary is gorgeous. The scenery, the lodge, the private suites its all heaven. Definitely on my bucket list.

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All about Rain Africa

After a quick welcome drink we had a session with Bev Missing the creator of Rain and learned more about perfumery and her incredible trip to Kunene Namibia to learn more about the Himba people. The Himba women collect Omumbiri (gum from trees) to make their own perfume.

We were then introduced to Rain’s 3 new fragrances: Twig, Leaf and Nectar.

I loved all three but Nectar is definitely my favourite.

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The rest of the day included a tour of the lodge, a safari drive where who learned more about the fynbos and flowers of the area and then finished off the day with the best 10 minute neck and shoulder massage.

It was also so great to spend some time with some of my favourite bloggers.

I’ve been wanting to go more organic for a while now and already use mostly organic products on Ben. I’m hoping to now give my beauty cupboard an overhaul and swap all the nasties out for organic products. Rain is definitely at the top of my list.

Hug it out

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Being a parent is a lot like what I imagine being Bipolar to be like. There are good days and bad days. The highs are high and the lows are oh so low.

Yesterday we had a bad day. It all started with Ben waking up screaming at 5:30. Very early for a kid that usually sleeps till 7:30/8:00. He was like a person possessed. Screaming, kicking, running down the hall and banging on the doors. I wasn’t allowed to hold him but also not aloud to put him down. He wanted his bottle but would scream when I try and make it. I then gave him the bottle and he threw it on the floor and then continued to cry about wanting his bottle. I eventually got him to calm down. We had a bit of peace and quiet before it was time to change his diaper. Once again with the kicking and screaming. Wriggling around making it impossible for me. I eventually had to pin him down with my knee so I could get the diaper on. I continued to dress him while he screamed. As I was about to put his shoes on he grabbed one and threw it at my head. I lost it. I screamed at him. The kind of scream that leaves his little face in shock. I immediately felt the shame and guilt wash over me. I tried to give him a hug and bribe him with a cookie but he was having none of it. I wrestled him to the car and into his car seat. Both of us now crying. We drove all the way to school in total silence, not even looking at each other. Him still wearing only one shoe. I dropped him off, got in my car and felt so very relieved. I know this sounds horrible but I was in no mood to take care of him all day.

And then you have days like today. I stared at his peaceful sleeping face. He slowly opened his eyes and gave me a sleepy smile. He softly whispered “mamma tee (mommy tea)” I picked him up and he threw his arms around my neck and gave me the biggest kiss, followed by a dazzling toddler smile. My heart melted. He drank his bottle while I had coffee. We watched a little bit of Timmy Time and then got dressed. No tears. He even held his little foot out so I could put his socks and shoes on. I told him it was time to go so he grabbed his blanky and ran to the car. He climbed into his car seat and waited for me to buckle him up. We drove to school laughing and chatting. He pointed at the cows and we waived as we drove by. I dropped him off thinking maybe I’ll pick him up a little earlier than usual and we can go to the park.

This is parenthood. The good and the bad. The great thing is that even on the bad days you still get a hug when you drop him off at school. And when you show up later he runs across the school yard and jumps into your arms excitedly. Because this is the kind of love that survives bad days.

And so my wish for the future is that even when he is all grown up, with his own ideas, opinions and dreams we will still be able to hug it out on the bad days. When I’m a ‘bad’ mom or he is a ‘bad’ child we will always remember that our love is bigger than that. Because life is too short and family too valuable to walk around with a grudge.

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Having another baby.

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It all starts when you meet the boy. You go on dates, you fall in love and then get married. You go on Honeymoon, return and move into your first little home together. You have the best time finding the perfect spot for all the wedding gifts and having the best time playing house. You spend weekends in the garden drinking beer and dreaming about the future. You go on long scenic drives, sleep late and binge watch Dexter in bed. You giggle when he calls you ‘wife’ and Instagram your new ID and Passport. Life. Is. Perfect.

But after a year you get restless. Something feels missing. And before you know it you both have this love sick look on your face when looking at babies in the park. You give each other that “I want one” smile and so the talks start. That big life changing talk. Are you ready for a baby? Do you have enough money? Will a pram and car seat fit into your tiny car? If you turn the guestroom into a nursery where will the guests sleep? Will you cope with limited sleep? But then also who needs sleep. So you say ‘Fuck it’ and have the baby anyways because you love each other and you will find a way to make it work.

You always think the decision to have that first baby is the biggest. Well its not. Deciding on when to have your second now that’s when ‘ish’ gets real. Because now you know what the word tired REALLY means. You have worked a full day on 3 hours of sleep and it aint pretty. You know your marriage barely survived those first few months and how little time you had for each other. You know what a trip to the paediatrician cost. You have added up the pharmacy bills. You have calculated exactly how much every poop costs you in diaper bills. Your guest bedroom is already a nursery and on weekends away your car looks like a Taxi heading for the Transkei. You will need a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger wallet. You are now fully aware of what having a child means. There is no more luxury of reckless abandon. You have to be smart about this because when cash is tight it is no longer just you and husband eating marmite toast for a week. You now have a little person to consider and take care off. What is best for that tiny person.

And so you decide the time is not right. You need more money. You need to wait. But then you already know how the new nursery will look. You have narrowed it down to your favourite names. You feel like it will be a girl but a boy would be great too.

You cry when a friend announce her second pregnancy. You are so happy for her but also a little heartbroken. Even though you try not too you instinctively distance yourself from her. Because you want that second baby so badly. You want to say ‘fuck it’ again but you know you have to be smart about this. And so you push it to the back of your mind and focus on your gorgeous two year old. But you know its just a matter of time before your friend starts posting bump pictures and you spend the rest of the day eating your feelings. And this is a problem because these jeans were a perfect fit just a week ago and now they aren’t…

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